Wisdom From Proverbs Part 3
Relationships and Your Words
We humans are created for relationships.
Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.
The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:18,22-24
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. 11 Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
What is the basis of relationships? How are they formed?
1) Common experiences
2) Shared ideas and values
3) For Followers of Christ - Koinonia
They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. Acts 2:42-43
Koinonia: fellowship, close mutual association. share, participation willing contribution,
What sours relationships and how do we repair them?
He who conceals hatred has lying lips,
And he who spreads slander is a fool. Proverbs 10:18
Deception and slander destroy relationships.
He who despises his neighbor lacks sense,
But a man of understanding keeps silent.
13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets,
But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter. Proverbs 11:12-13
Keeping relational things private protects relationships.
He who conceals a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends. Proverbs 17:9
Seeking revenge will not heal but rather destroy relationships.
Do not be a witness against your neighbor without cause,
And do not deceive with your lips.
29 Do not say, “Thus I shall do to him as he has done to me;
I will render to the man according to his work.” Proverbs 24:28-29
To restore a broken relationship, treat that enemy like a friend.
If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;
And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;
22 For you will heap burning coals on his head,
And the LORD will reward you. Proverbs 25:21-22
Friendships are the most valuable relationships.
Friends are necessary in this life
A man of too many friends comes to ruin,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24
First Friend is rēya‘: A masculine noun meaning another person. Reya covers everyone from a lover; a close friend; an acquaintance; an adversary in court; an enemy in combat.
Second Friend is ’āhaḇ: A verb meaning to love. includes loving or liking objects and things such as bribes; wisdom; wine, peace, truth; or tasty food. The word also conveys love for other people; love for God and also God’s love of people
A friend (reya) loves at all times,
And a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17
Brother: āḥ: A masculine noun meaning brother. It further describes a close friend outside the immediate physical family
There are friends in your life, then there are those who qualify as your brothers.
Friends are loyal
What is desirable in a man is his loyalty (kindness). Proverbs 19:22
ḥě·sěḏ: loyal love, unfailing kindness, devotion, i.e., a love or affection that is steadfast based on a prior relationship.
This is the image that Jesus uses when He commands us to be ‘salt & light’ to the people around us.
19 All the offerings of the holy gifts, which the sons of Israel offer to the LORD, I have given to you and your sons and your daughters with you, as a perpetual allotment. It is an everlasting covenant of salt before the LORD to you and your descendants with you.” Numbers 18:19
13 Every grain offering of yours, moreover, you shall season with salt, so that the salt of the covenant of your God shall not be lacking from your grain offering; with all your offerings you shall offer salt. Leviticus 2:13
God made a ‘salt covenant’ with the Levites, and with us.
He is loyal and unoffendable, with unfailing kindness toward us.
Salt in the Biblical context means loyal, faithful, unoffendable relationships.
“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; 15 nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16 Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:13-16
50 Salt is good; but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.” Mark 9:50
Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. 6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. Colossians 4:5-6
We need friends to help us sort out life
A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water,
But a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:6
Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
So a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend. Proverbs 27:9
Good Friends help us become better at life
Iron sharpens iron,
So one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
Better is open rebuke
Than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:5-6
Our spouse should be our most significant friend
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
This is contrasted to a spouse who forgets this principle.
The north wind brings forth rain,
And a backbiting tongue, an angry countenance.
24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof
Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. Proverbs 25:23-24
“Like a lily among the thorns,
So is my darling among the maidens.” Song of Songs 2:2
darling: rayah: beloved, darling, formally, companion, i.e., one who is the object of love and affection
The Biblical view of a spouse is a close intimate companion.
Culturally we often choose a spouse for economic or status reasons.
In Friendships there will often be friction
4 Where no oxen are, the manger is clean,
But much revenue comes by the strength of the ox. Proverbs 14:4
A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city,
And contentions are like the bars of a citadel. Proverbs 18:19
Choose your friends wisely
My son, fear the LORD and the king;
Do not associate with those who are given to change,
22 For their calamity will rise suddenly,
And who knows the ruin that comes from both of them? Proverbs 24:21-22
Bad Friends
Like one who takes a dog by the ears
Is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him.
18 Like a madman who throws
Firebrands, arrows and death,
19 So is the man who deceives his neighbor,
And says, “Was I not joking?”
20 For lack of wood the fire goes out,
And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.
21 Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire,
So is a contentious man to kindle strife.
22 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels,
And they go down into the innermost parts of the body. Proverbs 26:17-22
Good Friends
The righteous is a guide to his neighbor,
But the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26
Our Friendships should be other’s centered
Let your foot rarely be in your neighbor’s house,
Or he will become weary of you and hate you. Proverbs 25:17
Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend,
And do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity;
Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother far away. Proverbs 27:10
Jesus speaks of Friendship
“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.
You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.
This I command you, that you love one another. John 15:12-14,17
According to Jesus, what do friends do for one another?
What is our friendship with Jesus based on?
His loved expressed through his sacrifice, and our love expressed through obedience to his commands.
The most significant element of our relationships are our words to one another.
Humans and Angels are the only creatures that use words to express thoughts, emotions and desires.
We have a need for words- like air, like water, we need words to live.
1) We need words from the inside- we want to be known and understood
A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water,
But a man of understanding draws it out. Proverbs 20:5
2) We can’t live without words from the outside
Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down,
But a good word makes it glad. Proverbs 12:25
It is often said:
“It doesn’t matter what others say about your. It only matters what you think about yourself”
This is not really true. Just ask any artist or musician.
We needs words from the outside to validate and affirm us.
Your Words Have Power
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword,
But the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Rash and reckless statements do damage that cannot be repaired completely
Pull out the sword but there is a wound and scar
Words can kill
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
Life: hay: to have a prosperous, bountiful, blessed favorable circumstance in life, contrasted with a cursed unfavorable life.
Words:
Can casue people to commit sucide
Words start wars
Words negatively affect how people think about themselves.
When words get in you, they are like a sword
Words can destroy communites
A perverse man spreads strife,
And a slanderer separates intimate friends. Proverbs 16:28
Words have power over the speaker
An evil man is ensnared by the transgression of his lips,
But the righteous will escape from trouble.
A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words,
And the deeds of a man’s hands will return to him. Proverbs 12:13-14
Evil words destroy the speaker
Good words are like fruit – food
With the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach will be satisfied;
He will be satisfied with the product of his lips.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:20-21
Words clothe your thoughts
2 If you have been snared with the words of your mouth,
Have been caught with the words of your mouth,
3 Do this then, my son, and deliver yourself;
Since you have come into the hand of your neighbor,
Go, humble yourself, and importune your neighbor. Proverbs 6:2-3
When thoughts are spoken, they often take on new power over your life as well as the life of others.
Once you say something it strengthens the thought.
The Character our Words should be
1) Considerate of the situation
20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words?
There is more hope for a fool than for him. Proverbs 29:20
The one who guards his mouth preserves his life;
The one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3
The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. Proverbs 15:28
23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue,
Guards his soul from troubles. Proverbs 21:23
The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out. Proverbs 17:14
He who restrains his words has knowledge,
And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Proverbs 17:27
2) Truthful: honest and not deceptive
Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD,
But those who deal faithfully are His delight. Proverbs 12:22
He who speaks truth tells what is right,
But a false witness, deceit. Proverbs 12:17
A soothing tongue is a tree of life,
But perversion in it crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4
Words can be technically true but deceptive.
Deception denies their right to know reality
You ruin their ability to make good decisions
Deception ruins relationships, breaks trust
It leads to destruction of community and societies
Governments fall apart. example: The Soviet Union
3) Gentle and kind language
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
Speak truly but gently
By forbearance (patience) a ruler may be persuaded,
And a soft tongue breaks the bone. Proverbs 25:15
“To break a bone is to break down the most hardened resistance to an idea a person might possess.”
Gentle speech can be argumentative
The motivation can’t be to put someone in their place, not to prove they are wrong, nor to belittle. It must be love.
A gentle word is bone breakingly clear.
Kindness in tone, in purpose, in voice, in motivation.
Are you being gentle? The listener must know that it is painful for you to say this.
Nothing is more persuasive than gentleness
The wise in heart will be called understanding,
And sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. Proverbs 16:21
Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
4) Wise and Apt
32 The lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable (ratson- delightful),
But the mouth of the wicked what is perverted. Proverbs 10:32
Choose your words to fit the sensibility of the listener.
So that your words are moving and attractive
Like apples of gold in settings of silver
Is a word spoken in right circumstances. Proverbs 25:11
Strive for craftmanship in your speech.
“Decide what you want the outcome to be of the conversation and adjust your words accordingly”
Apt - Timing is essential.
A man has joy in an apt answer,
And how delightful is a timely word! Proverbs 15:23
Communicate on the level of your listener
He kisses the lips
Who gives a right answer. Proverbs 24:26
Heroditis tells us its cultural meaning;
- In ancient times when equals meet, without speaking, they kiss on the lips.
- If a there is a small difference in rank, it is a kiss on the cheek
- If there is a great difference in rank, the humbler bows and kneels before the other.
It is the responsibility of the speaker to adapt and ensure that you just don’t say it, but you come down to find exactly what that hearer needs to hear in order to get the truth across.
Your responsibility is to make sure that your words are hearable to that person.
Speak to them in their language. If you do its like a kiss on the lips.
5) Direct words
He who conceals hatred has lying lips,
And he who spreads slander is a fool. Proverbs 10:18
Direct word are different than kind and sensitive words, that often beat around the bush.
The conflict: Direct doesn’t work on kindness and aptness
Kind and apt are not transparent nor open and direct
We need both kinds of words
6) Economical
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,
But he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19
Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;
When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent. Proverbs 17:28
When we have problems with the use of our words, how can we improve our communication?
What is the source of our words?
The heart of the wise instructs his mouth
And adds persuasiveness to his lips. Proverbs 16:23
How are we going to be healed?
Will power is not enough to heal your words. it requires a change in what fills the heart.
“Heart” is the control center of the entire acting self- what you most hope in, what you most love, what gives you meaning in life, what gives you significance,
It’s the overflow of the heart that all of our problems come
Matthew 12
33 “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit.
34 You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.
35 The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil.
36 But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. 37 For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12:33-37
No one ever used language like Jesus.
He modeled all the 6 characteristics
That is because Jesus is THE WORD. He created language and the emotions that go with the words. He wants our words to model His words.
45 The officers then came to the chief priests and Pharisees, and they said to them, “Why did you not bring Him?” 46 The officers answered, “Never has a man spoken the way this man speaks.” John 7:45-46
1 God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, 2 in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world. 3 Hebrews 1:1-3
The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. Romans 8:16-17
IF we understand what God as done for us and what is in store for us, and we continually remind ourselves of these realities, then our words will reflect the 'good treasure' that God has given us.
If you get this, your heart is healed and filled and you wont have to lie or speak harshly or manipulate people through your speach.
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